The Unionites Gospel


Heston the Chest telling it like it must be

The Gospel According to The Unionites

AND it came to pass that there existed a fertile land called Caledonia, a wild and verdant place abundant in all the fish of the water and the sea around, and all the fowl of the air and the cliffs, and the fruits that grow upon bush and tree in the earth below, an infinite cornucopia of nature’s bounty, enough that any man or woman or child doth want.

AND it was that Caledonia lived in peace with its Wise Neighbour, Unionista, yet Caledonia did not prosper, for the people of Caledonia were a meek and blind people who did accept their place under heaven’s vast firmament, a tribe that did bow and scrape to the superiority of Unionista and in the people’s fearfulness of untold enemies, gave Unionista all it owned and created in return for Caledonia’s protection and survival.

AND there arose a Man Named Dissent of Caledonia who did stand up and spake his thoughts to his people. “Why is it we maketh one thing, and we groweth another, yet all things thereby and therein remaineth the Unionites possession?”

AND hearing this the Unionites did answer thus: “It is written, all that you maketh, and all that you groweth, must be pooled and shared, for it doth unite us as one.”

AND the Man Named Dissent was not content for he did ask again, “If we are as one why is it that as you grow stronger we grow weaker?”

AND the Unionites did answer thus, “It is written we are stronger because we are stronger together.”

AND the Man Named Dissent did consider the Word of the Unionites but was not comforted, and did ask again, “Why is it that we cannot keep all that we maketh, and all that we groweth, yet still be stronger together?”

AND the Unionites answered thus, “Be content, for it is written so long as we are your Wise Neighbour so long shall thee be safe in all that you do, and in all that thee think, and thy children, and thy children’s children.”

AND the Man Named Dissent did ponder upon the Unionites’ Word but was greatly perplexed, and did ask again, “If it is written we are stronger together, why is it that thou do not give unto us all that thou maketh, and all that thou groweth?”

AND at this the Unionites grew impatient and did answer thus, “We are The Chosen One. Hast thou a problem with that, mate?”

AND the Man Named Dissent did consider the rebuke, and answered truthfully saying, the Word of the Unionites passeth all understanding. And he stood up again and did ask, “By whose hand were thee anointed The Chosen One, for in my search nowhere is it written there is a Chosen One?”

AND it was that the Unionites became agitated and angry, and spake unto the people of Caledonia a parable thus, “Imagine that all we give thee is like an oval of Divine Bread we have baketh. The Divine Bread is divided into two. One half is ours to use for fashioning armaments to keep our lands safe from our enemies. The other half is also ours to use for our money lenders so that they may thrive. But the third part of the Divine Bread shall be yours that you may rejoice and prosper, for so it is written.”

AND the Man Named Dissent was troubled, and did repeat the parable of the Unionites to the people of Caledonia saying, “One and one doth not, in all bloody eternity, maketh three, but it doth maketh us poor and poorer.”

AND the people of Caledonia did recognise the Man Named Dissent as a prophet. And there began a great contemplation in the land, and a great gnashing of teeth, followed by a gushing of Truth, and the Unionites did blow a great release of esteem, until after a time the people of Caledonia did stand up as one, and did say with one voice:

We shall write our own Word and live by our own Law; and we shall keep all we grow and all we earn, and all we maketh with out own hands, yet shall we not covet our Neighbour’s land, nor the goods therein, for no one is The Chosen One.”

AND so it came to pass that the land of Unionista did cease to be superior to the people of Caledonia, or living off the sweat and toil of Caledonia, and Caledonia did prosper under the sun’s warmth and begat sons and daughters of virtue and merit.

And thereby did both tribes live in mutual respect and harmony, for so it was written.


© Grouse Beater (2015)

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31 Responses to The Unionites Gospel

  1. says:

    Reblogged this on Bampots Utd.

  2. Made me smile for the first time this week, Gb. Thanks, pal!

  3. Grouse Beater says:

    We sure as hell need some humour.

  4. jimnarlene says:

    This Dissent fella, he’s my kind of guy.
    Made me smile too, and we could do with some humour.

  5. ebreah says:

    This reminded me of Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman’s Good Omens.

  6. David Kemp says:

    Don’t know whether to laugh or cry.Mibbee both 🙂

  7. Grouse Beater says:

    The happy ending is too far fetched.

  8. diabloandco says:

    I like!
    Please could the last verse come to pass very, bloody quickly???

  9. Grouse Beater says:

    I wish! 🙂

  10. hektorsmum says:

    Well you were thinking better thoughts this week than I was. Mine were smiting them hip and thigh and maybe a bit of strangling in there as well. I like your version better, but like so many make it happen quickly, seen to many people leave this earth without it happening and I don’t want it to be us.

  11. Grouse Beater says:

    I felt like attacking the general who said ‘our’ bombs are very accurate and hit ISIS in houses where the inhabitants protect them, so they are guilty too and not innocents. That’ll include children, and anybody to whose head an ISIS soldier holds a gun.

  12. Andy Hurley says:

    The prophet has spoken! Let it be! Great piece of tongue in cheek writing, It cheered up a moribund week, just what the doctor ordered!

  13. jdman says:

    And so it came to pass that the people went forth and multiplied.amen

  14. Grouse Beater says:

    You’re welcome – pass it around, it’s a good party piece for the festive season; just need a dog collar to wear.

  15. Grouse Beater says:

    I nearly ended it … and “Caledonia did tell the Unionites to Go Forth and Multiply!” But I’m ever the optimist.

  16. Loved it, but there’s one wee bit I would like to see changed, namely: “AND so it came to pass that the land of Unionista did cease to speak a load of utter bollocks,” Could you change bollocks to Pish, please?

  17. Grouse Beater says:

    Quit the fashionable insult, ‘pish.’ Been wondering if it’s solely Scot derivative. 🙂

  18. Yodeller says:

    AND the Unionites did answer thus, “It is now written by us that you, Caledonia, are not only a meek and blind people, but we, being the chosen New Labour overlords at Westminster in 1997, have decided to impose upon you the status of gullible subsidiaries FOR ALL TIME with our Devolution Act designed to favour ourselves exclusively; wherein ye are to accept your place, Mate (er Comrade), despite being both impotent and feckless but, nevertheless, necessary for our Great Leader’s plans for the whole World (especially for Middle East peace!)”.

  19. Grouse Beater says:

    Sure did, Heedtracker. You didn’t think I hired a substitute?

  20. xsticks says:

    Haha. Really liked that one GB. Right up the establishments fundamental.

  21. Ellie says:

    Thanks so much for that GB (slightly unfortunate initials if I may say..!), it’s been a dark week right enough, but this really made me laugh. Cheers for that!
    Also – what Tree of Liberty says at 10.57, haha!! Smiley face thingy.

  22. Thanks Grouse, I did smile. It would sound funny in the style of Rev I M Jolly

  23. Justin Fayre says:

    And it came to pass that the meek and the trusting of the people that resided in the fertile Kingdom of Caledonia finally saw the folly of believing the false prophets and listened with new found awe at the wisdom of the true prophet named Grouse Beater and now viewed the outpourings from the old scribes with scorn and ridicule.

  24. Dr Jim says:

    I’d quite like to smite them with a Jawbone across their Arse
    (See what I did there)

  25. Grouse Beater says:


  26. Robert T says:

    So funny yet hopefully it shall come to pass, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

  27. macart763M says:

    Nice one Grouse. 😀

    All the very best of the season and have a good one.

  28. Helena says:

    love this, let us pray, aye! SNPx2, May 2016. :-))

  29. Grouse Beater says:


  30. Robert McAllan says:

    Thanks for the lookback Gareth. I wonder did Helena recite that prayer in favour of both votes SNP on the eve of Holyrood election May 2021?

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