A Creepy Scottish Government

Humza Yousef, minister without discernable qualifications

The SNP’s love of creating as many squirrels to chase as possible rather than educate the populace to the benefists of self-governance, ready to enact independence at 55% support, sees a once victorious party turn on its own supporters and withdraw into the Dark Side of politics. Journalist Kevin McKenna thinks it is time to place a restraining order on their preponderance for concocting seriously flawed policies and their ‘creepy’ sexual curiousities. But they are not listening. Any dissent, even the mildest, is deemed illigitimate, to be burned at the stake. The SNP consider the electorate in terms of unionist derision – a bunch of whinging Jocks.

RESTRAINING THE SCOTTISH GOVERNMENT

by Kevin McKenna

The record of anti-social behaviour by the SNP-Green coalition targeting the Scottish people is starting to give cause for alarm. Of equal concern is their tendency to gas-light the people when they react negatively to their social directives .

Do you have concerns about the economic threat to the north-east of Scotland by the SNP’s newly-discovered hostility to oil? Then, according to Patrick Harvie, you are guilty of belonging to the hard-right. Might you have some mild misgivings about what gender self-identification could mean for women’s rights? Then you’re a hate-filled transphobe. If you think Glasgow’s refuse-collectors are right to use Cop26 as leverage in their struggle for decency and respect, then think again. It could be that you’re actually a Unionist lap-dog who’s doing down Scotland.

In the sensitive area of family life and human relationships the SNP are beginning to display an unhealthy and creepy obsession. While eager to solicit the votes of working-class communities at elections, they spend the rest of the year treating them with suspicion and outright scorn. They’re Buckfast-swilling brutes who lack basic parenting skills and have a tendency to assault their children.

So, let’s make alcohol more expensive, criminalise smacking and deploy an army of Named Persons to be on the look-out for signs of neglect. This idea was first explored by Baroness and Baron Bomburst when they created the position of state Child-Catcher in that dark, psychological thriller, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Humza Yousaf, in his former role as justice secretary, recently considered going the extra mile in enforcing state control of how Scots behaved in the privacy of their own homes. He wanted to encourage family snoopers to report outbreaks of hate speech at the dinner table.

How was that going to work? Perhaps setting up a free helpline for traumatised siblings to report errant renditions of rebel songs or The Sash. Perhaps all new affordable housing developments would come complete with surveillance technology to monitor slovenly talk. As all the top social workers say, early intervention is key.

We should have known that the Scottish Government would seek other ways of criminalising the hate-filled working classes. They were obviously still smarting from the wholesale failure of their attempts to collar the punters while attending football matches. Them and their despicable songs and displays of delinquent bunting.

In all of this of course, a familiar cast of middle-class media types and Walt Disney academics quickly got with the picture to portray themselves as edgy and progressive and signal their chi-chi virtue. They swarmed all over social media last week to express contempt for those reactionary Scots who felt that asking their children to provide intimate details of their sexual preferences was akin to grooming.

“Daddy; a strange man asked me if I liked oral sex.”

“Not to worry sweetheart; it’s all part of a wider policy framework to tailor future health strategies to the user’s needs. Don’t be so intolerant.”

In those feral housing schemes that the SNP loathe so much such a question would see the inquisitor leaving in boxes. But what do they know? They’re all knuckle-draggers whose ideas about raising families are trapped in the 19th century … except at election time when they undergo a remarkable metamorphosis and become victims requiring the help of the SNP to lift them out of poverty. Aye, very good! Fortunately, the Scottish judiciary and the UN have been on hand to slap down the Scottish Government whenever they’ve attempted to impose a 24/7 social curfew on the rest of us. Yet, as the SNP seem set fair to rule for another decade or so they show no signs of halting their remorseless drive to control everyone’s behaviour.

One of the few successes of the Nicola Sturgeon era has been the provision of baby boxes for all expectant breast-feeders in Scotland. On the basis of the party’s implacable desire to kettle the future behaviours of our young people we should soon expect to see the provision of “adolescent boxes”.

These might contain those everyday items familiar to all of Scotland’s young teenagers. Along with the Kleenex and massage oil there could be a blow-up sex mannequin (non-binary of course); a free subscription to YouPorn and a vibrator. These could obviously be customised for Catholics with a slower rpm to prevent full satisfaction, if you ken what ah mean. There could even be fluffy hand-cuffs to introduce a playful element to proceedings.

Perhaps it’s now time that we considered imposing a restraining order on Nicola Sturgeon and her voyeuristic cabinet ministers. I’m sure the UN could facilitate this, while the EU could make it a condition of future membership; this being the Holy Grail of the SNP.

Thus, all cabinet secretaries, their advisors and National Executive Council members would be required to sign up to a people’s declaration before assuming high office. The list of requirements might include:

A signed guarantee to refrain from soliciting or attempting to solicit intimate information from minors about their private lives, as outlined in the UN charter for children’s rights.

An undertaking not to use the apparatus of the state to encroach on the family’s right to privacy, as laid out in the UN’s Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

A guarantee that you will not seek to criminalise, or attempt to criminalise, the citizens of your country for making free expressions of religious or cultural beliefs, as protected by the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

A promise to ditch the habit of using inspirational quotes on Facebook as the basis for your social justice programmes.

All ministers and their advisors would be required to wear an electronic ankle tag that would flag up any breaches of the ASBO conditions during cabinet discussions and meetings of the NEC.

During parliamentary recess the Scottish Government would be required to undertake reality familiarisation courses at special summer camps to wean themselves off their psychotic addiction to interference. A phased and monitored recovery programme would be provided as part of the process.

We all want the Scottish Government to be the best possible version of itself and we’d be supporting them through this challenging but ultimately rewarding journey.

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