George Osborne, a man of no discernible common sense, delivered another of his stuff you all budgets, telling the nations of the United Kingdom that disabled people are to lose some benefits.
Emotionally disabled Tories shocked the population by punching the air in triumph, and leaping for joy as a way of showing what the disabled cannot do, the ‘freeloaders’ in our society who supposedly exploit reserved parking bays, wheelchairs, prosthetic limbs, crushed spines, and crutches for sympathy.
Resident evil Tory, Iain Duncan Smith, resigned over the cuts, but no one knows why exactly because it is assumed he has a brick where his heart should be. All things considered, he didn’t seem unduly moved when in past months benefit claimants committed suicide on hearing their support removed.
Tories denied that their policy to hobble the non-ambulant is a brutal reprisal for MPs losing some of their benefits, such as charging for a Grade ‘A’ listed duck house, claiming for a 5p plastic carrier bag, or a small boy for the night.
Osborne next plans to cement his virility by shooting a rare white lion, be photographed riding a horse bareback, and enter himself for Crufts as Best Corporate Poodle.
Scottie Wins Crufts
A West Highland Terrier named Devon won ‘Best of Show’, the top prize at Crufts, causing unionists everywhere to scream, Scottish breed or not, it won only because it had been subsidised by long-suffering English taxpayers.
The Scottish Daily Record – a tabloid written by two glue-sniffing primary children in a Glasgow basement using crayons – reported that the terrier was overheard to say, it felt Scottish and British and therefore free to cock a leg on the Saltire or the Flag of St George.
Nevis Bigger Under SNP
Right-wing Munro baggers fell into despair to learn a new Ordinance Survey calculation records the height of Ben Nevis at 1,345 metres, rather than the previous 1,344 metres.
Until today unionists had assumed Big Ben not Ben Nevis the highest point in Great Britain. One obscure English Ukip councillor claimed the news a dastardly trick by the SNP to divert attention from Scotland’s inability to better itself. He said the increase in height was cheated by the SNP placing a pile of congealed porridge on its peak.
A spokesperson for Ordinance Survey said the change is simply due to improvements in technology that allow a more accurate reading than when the mountain was last surveyed in 1949. Nicola Sturgeon, First Minister of Scotland, said a last measurement made way back in 1949 is testament to how much Westminster ignores Scotland.
Europe, In or Out or Roundabout?
The war heated up between Brexit opponents, a dog’s breakfast packed with nutritious horse meat. Unionists who want out of Europe, but not their Mercs or BMWs, expressed anger over Prime Minster Cameron using scaremongering techniques as a method of forcing people to support links with unwashed foreign types.
Europe-Out supporters said their campaign was not xenophobia gone wild, merely one to take back sovereignty from all those ‘Froggies’, ‘Ayeties’, ‘Krauts’, and ‘Onion Johnnies’.
At a rally held in central London wine bar, Out campaigners said they wanted to keep iconic British companies British, like Jaguar, Aston Martin, Rolls Royce, and Bentley, before they’re taken over by people who speak English with an odd accent, like the Scots, the Welsh, or even Geordies.
A spokesperson for PPD, Pissed Petrolhead Drivers, pointed out all the car companies mentioned are already foreign owned, funded by foreign investment, and damn well better made than any British owner managed in the past.
Brexit supporters countered that British workers feel crushed by incessant, regressive regulations forced on them by the European Parliament, such as a fair wages, recognition of unions, collective bargaining, human rights, and maternity leave.
The former Glaswegian Labour MP, Tom Harris, said “We’re better without Brussels.” The celebrity chef Jamie Oliver said cooked correctly Brussel sprouts can be delicious.
Unionists Call Up Godzilla
There is something sad as well as painfully repetitious about Interventionist Man heeding the call for patriotic duty after he is pronounced shagged out, yet rumoured called upon again by unionists to fix the mind of the feckless public.
Godzilla Brown, once known as Gordon Brown, happily comes to the aid of his once mortal enemy the Tory party. It is predicted he will do it with a one hour swivel-eyed stream of consciousness, a speech so full of waffle, unsubstantiated claims, vows, and promises, listeners will be stunned into submission.
Members of the press were heard to mutter ‘Kerrist! Not that old movie again?’
Tampon Tax, In or Out
Still on the EU and Brussels, SNP MP, Alison Thewliss, celebrated victory of her campaign to rid female sanitary products of a 5% tax, otherwise known as the Tampon Tax.
Tory Ministers who insisted the tax could only be abolished with the permission of the hated European Commission were dismayed.
Women everywhere were delighted with the end of what they regarded as a tax on a basic necessity, adding, for the tiny amount collected Tory politicians might as well stick Tampons up their nose.
Labour Claim Scottish NHS Crisis
More unionist deaths in the family: In Scotland, the Labour Group leader, Kezia Dugdale, (no relation to Devon the dug) admitted the party’s much trumpeted ‘1,000 Newly Minted Nurses’ policy was dead, having flat lined some months ago.
The runt of a once proud Labour multitude that ruled Scotland since Westminster drove clan chiefs into law schools is, however, set to continue with their attack on the Scottish government over what they see as falling standards in Scotland’s National Health Service.
A diehard Labour voter sporting a new set of dentures said, “Awe we hiv tae show fir the bliddy SNP’s alleged protection o’ oor sepurrate helf service is a spankin’ brand new hospital in Glasgae, an’ waitin’ lists reduced tae a negligible level, be”er than Ingland. It’s horrendous!”
An SNP councillor said Labour’s only crisis was their total loss of votes.
Pretty Please, With Sugar On Top
Sugar shares in the unionist stock market plummeted when the chancellor announced a sharp increase in tax on sugar. The tax is in response to a population now hooked on sweet foodstuffs and consequently considered grossly fat, prone to diabetes.
British-based agribusiness Tate and Lyle took a heavy bashing, its shares melting dramatically, until a ruffled company executive reminded the media that they had sold its sugar empire back in 2009. For history anoraks – ship owner Abram Lyle had a sugar refining business in Greenock, Henry Tate founded the Tate Gallery, now selling crap art to the aesthetically uneducated public.
The company’s very English chief executive, Pakistani-American Javed Ahmed, reported “We don’t own or sell Golden Syrup anymore, or have a sugar refining business.” A critic argued that the company still mixes sugar in its food stuffs, and it owns a starch-based processing company – making people fat their whole raison d’etre.
Jamie Oliver, the podgy television chef who has a tongue too physically big for his mouth, led the campaign to protect the nation’s health from sugar with food added to it.
Oliver, “just been passing Westminster”, (not as one passes urine) when the levy was announced, managing to find enough time in his busy day to put in fourteen interviews in different news bulletins, three daytime talk shows, and two evening chat shows. Mrs Oliver gave up expecting him home for dinner.
Tubby, sugar-loving unionist, Bullingdon Boy, and erstwhile Tory leader, Boris Johnson, penned another right-wing column for the Telegraph newspaper, filled with obscure Latin to make him appear brighter than the average unionist hack. Invariably first to spot humanity’s suffering and empathise, he was angry that the new tax could raise the price of popular fizzy drinks such as Coke, Pepsi, Red Bull and tonic water, by 8p a can. “How will those brave refugees manage?” he asked of the thousands camped outside Turkey.
He bemoaned the ‘nanny’ state, warning in a final flourish, ‘Deinde tempore occidere nothus ego video Cameron‘ – next time I see Cameron I am going to kill the bastard!
All in all, it was a very bad week for unionists.