Of Tarts and Old Farts


Michelle Mone – more Mone on Page 3

Ooo lala!

Brassiere entrepreneur and former model Ms Michelle Mone is created a peer of the Realm. How preposterous! It can only have been awarded for brazen self-promotion. She is the unelected baroness who called an elected politician “an SNP moron”.

Better Together for sales

A devotee of the me-first, Better Together, anti-democracy campaign during Scotland’s Referendum, Ms Mone’s peerage presages the anointing of other democracy betrayers from that camp. (Almost all have been knighted or given earldoms.)

It is fitting she joins the politburo of unelected old tarts and farts, so out of touch they might as well inhabit Planet Kepler 452B. David Cameron answered the clamour for reform by creating fifty new Lords and Ladies. Thirty five are Conservative peers.

Ms Mone will feel at home among the scions of superannuated aristocrats, uber-rich party supporters, and government placemen and women.

Silicone Valley

Mone is chiefly known for having introduced silicone into a bra to make it more comfortable rather than silicone introduced direct into mammary glands as a breast implant. Thinking outside the box, you could say. The inside skinny is, it’s not her invention, but the European franchise bought at a Florida convention by her husband.

It enhances small breasts, surely a benefit if it gives women confidence. (That’s a whole other debate!) Still, you can argue she created Glasgow’s own  ‘Silicon Valley’. I suspect the disparity between the price of an Ultimo bra and its supportive qualities rises in direct proportion to the size of the client’s breasts.

It made her very wealthy and brought out the exhibitionist in her. She acquired the propensity to divest herself of her garments at the click of a camera. Controversially, she introduced her daughter, Rebecca, to the charms of lascivious men as the key model for her underwear. All publicity is good. Mone is Scotland’s very own Sarah Palin.


Mone detests all forms of nationalism

Me too

In politics she is another J.K. Rowling. She told Scotland to vote against its best interests. whereupon she quit Scotland. Rowling has not entirely abandoned us but like Mone her wrath knows no bounds told she does not represent Scotland.

On innumerable occasions Mone expresses contempt for Scotland’s elected government, but especially the advent of horrid nationalism. She goes to immense lengths to avoid being tarnished by nationalism, wrapping herself in a Union Jack flag for protection.

The quick way to become a high-level law officer without getting elected with power over everybody is to denigrate your fellow countrymen, proclaim your self a diehard Tory, and live life as a clothes horse. What does that do for the cause of women’s rights?

The cult of the mediocre

Michelle Mone, a name only a porn star would revel in, who warned she would leave Scotland if it became independent, has finally left Scotland for some decked balcony (not a euphemism) in London by the Thames.

That she sold her company should not cause readers any alarm. She sold it to lingerie retailer MAS Holdings, owner of Speedo swim wear better known as ‘budgie smugglers’, with head offices in those tax-respecting havens of Colombo and Sri Lanka. That’s what successful big business people do these days. They cheat the tax man. And you and me.

To hell with the local economy and community. Take grants and awards from the taxpayer  – welfare to you and me – to pay for staff, and then sell out to the highest bidder casting to the winds hard-working staff that helped make the company successful.

Fakery, fakery!

Ms Mone deals in fakery of one sort or another. She admits to faking her qualifications early in her career to obtain a marketing post. Few took notice of her other than to note her bra company in Glasgow was over half a million pounds in the red in 2014, and she was caught bugging employees to “test their loyalty.”

Ms Mone and her former husband exploited employee benefit trusts to reduce their tax burden, a system denounced by chancellor Osborne – not what one can describe as ‘giving back to the community’. Their company was not as so often depicted, a mass employer in Scotland.

Today she sells ‘diet’ pills, and owns a fake spray tan product called Utan.


As close to Barbie Doll as a woman can get

Rags to riches

Her company, MJM International, was reputed to be worth twenty million at the height of its fame, run back in the day by her as model and by her husband as administrator. For whatever reason her husband found the company’s designer more interesting than the accounting books and so came the inevitable divorce. (If readers are beginning to feel this back story reads like something from Hello magazine the fault lies in the nature of Mone’s career trajectory and depth of character.)

If only she had displayed other characteristics than demeaning women and uttering banalities about Scotland going down the drain, you could at least defend her to a degree. All told, she sells products that exploit women’s anxieties.

Women in London of a certain wealth and taste buy their underwear from Bravissimo, or from the Royal lingerie retailer, Rigby and Pellar, dear old Marks and Spencer having long-lost its allure for ubiquitous underwear.

Rigby and Pellar, for example, have your order on computer and can ensure your next is as bespoke as the last. (This site prides itself on its research!) Presumably Mone stands to make a bob or two (almost typed boob) selling her bras to old farts in the House of Lords who enjoy wearing women’s underwear and tights.

Her maiden speech (not a euphemism) is not one to cherish.

The effects of time and gravity

In time, like the rest of us, Mone’s curvaceous femininity will gather an excess of H2o and gravity. To garner attention will be difficult when she deteriorates into an old fart herself. Her current attitude reminds me of the anger of playwright John Osborne.

The woman who sneers at you from the pages of glossy magazines, the model ideal of superb meanness, a long slink of classical contempt, begs for defilement.”

Well, perhaps that’s going too far. Osborne disliked women. You can argue Mone has risen above ‘the glass ceiling’, but I know independent minded, successful women who inhabit the same male dominated world that are successful without resorting to exhibitionism and tawdry tales of daily life ‘struggling’ with the onerous duty of parties and functions in the upper echelons of society.

Michelle knows how to manipulate the press“, Peter Jones, entrepreneur, ‘Dragon’s Den’.

If she is being manipulated by men, and there is some evidence for it, she should speak out. Playing the victim of cybernattery is cheap and not cheerful. She’s happy to repeat over and over , ‘if at first you fail, try, try again’ – but not for independence!

Don’t forget, this is the woman who said, “I believe children are our future” and then voted to slash child tax credits. But all is forgiven for now she lives in a mansion home in the Isle of Man tax haven and according to her publicity it is absolutely “fabulous.”


Mone says goodbye to her life of bleak poverty in Glasgow

Fashion for the rich

Personally, the fashion world leaves me cold. Only Scotland’s Alexander McQueen caught my attention, and only because he was so eloquently and powerfully subversive. In the fashion world Mone is the equivalent of a squirt of Pledge.

The truth is, Victoria’s Secret is really starvation and liposuction.

Mone sold out her Scottish roots for nothing more than daily appearances in the tabloid’s gossip columns and lots of holidays abroad in hot climates. One hopes more like her will follow her example … and leave Scotland.

PS: Ms Mone’s truly awful business speech praising (the corrupt) HSBC, a bank that bailed out her debts, has been removed from YouTube, but if readers care to scroll through the PR puffery of her there exists still the painfully embarrassing moment she picked up a Vietnamese man in her arms thinking him a little boy.

PPS: IN 2018, now Baroness Mone, she was criticised by newspapers for attending the House of Lords a mere 19 days out of s possible 157, including a crucial debate and vote on leaving the European Union. Her wish to ‘play a full and active part in your Lordships’ requires some, erm, definition.



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18 Responses to Of Tarts and Old Farts

  1. Ian Brotherhood says:


    IMO, your best yet.

    FWIW, my own missus was at school with MM, and remembers her as ‘quiet, very polite, and liked the idea of being a model’.

    Well, here we are now, quarter of a century later, and MM’s become a ‘model’ of sorts right enough, eh?

  2. Grouse Beater says:


  3. Alex Waugh says:

    What? Model as in ‘not real’?

  4. donald says:

    There is nothing bespoke about silicone for starters but the temptation to go full Murdoch is to great . Massive mone in luvvie lords silicone sex shocker . No that doesn’t work. How about Massive Michelle gives something to mone about in up her house silicone sex romp .No , to long . Mone alone in upper house silicone spouse u turn. Actually its not so easy being a front page headline writer . Those Buggers at the Sun ! who can match them for poetic grandeur ?

    So she hate’s Scot’s being nationalists but tries and fails to smoke, clad in the Union jack . Well there is one deep valley I would not waste time driving down . I think its been exhausted by heavy traffic already . To many drive ins , not enough authentic scenery . Its like listening to my sister in law chatter away as we are forced to open yet another one of her cheap cheesy xmas presents and show Gratitude.

    The JK Rowling tradition of impenetrable Bush is very common round here too . The cypress leylandeii grows thick and fast . But no estate is fully respectable until you get those high iron automatic ‘Fuck off Gate’s ‘ as they call them .
    Or as a Black Sista once reminded me.
    ‘It aint a car wash honey until you drive your rig through ‘ Words to live by .

    ‘Quality’ work wasted on the least deserving is what most Bespoke is these days . Time was when Be spoke was the lasting tradition of simple folk who took the time to make plain honest things to last . Persian rugs , hand forged nails, Baltic pine furniture made not in factories but carpenters sheds . Craftsmen and women whose marvelous cottage industry works Be spoke honesty and integrity . Bastards re badged that too. Now its some twat with a Hat and shoulder pads trying to look strong and long at Ascot. Or what my daughter commonly refers to as a ‘Conga line of Wankers ‘
    Pledge is the polish of choice for middle class matrons with discerning taste GB ! Don’t you watch the adverts ? Shame on you for dissing a product that has graced the faux Mahogany dining tables of the home counties for the last four gens .

    Me ? I use Beeswax . Pledge is Shitte.
    Its amazing how easily people part with hard earned for overpriced Glam crap . Swarovski for e.g.
    My father in law bought my wife a heart pendant necklace . Made out like its was something soooo special . Fell apart after a few months so my wife asked me to fix it. I said forget it ,look its just chromed plastic ! So for her birthday I bought her a genuine lost wax sterling silver heart pendant made by a local silver smith for just $65 . Now that’s honest value but people are so sucked in by this scam glam . The genuine silver smith gave up in the end because people want mall fashion overpriced shit with glitz and tits.Now its Fake tits for fake politics . Its the perfect fit for a bespoke frock shock scandal . Grrrr. I’m so angry I could drive my toyota across the channel on a raft made out of Michelle’s salvaged silicone pads. Busty British white van man channel scam outsmarts top gear queer steer in massive tunnel busting immigration nation panel pash dash . Bring it on Cameron you slimy, sneering low count sperm sample. And as for you Rupert , stick your verbage up the nearest talking bear ‘cos no one else who matters is listening .
    Yes , I feel better now Ive got that off my chest.

    ‘wors yer willy shakesperre Noo ?’ Long gone im afraid.

    Best Yet GB , you are on fire . Cheers . Now where did I leave that 62 Dalmore ? Come to Daddy.

  5. Grouse Beater says:

    I’m as convinced as I can be that you need your own blog site, Donald! You’ve a lot to say and should take the opportunity to expand on your ideas. But do try to let others comment first in case you empty the bank of comment. The site attracts a few thousand international readers a week, (from places you’d never think interested) but no more than a dozen or so comments per essay – it’s not a daily site – hence it’s good to get variation.

    As for the essay on Ms Mone – I have no doubt some women will find it sexist and misogynist. Indeed, one has written to say so. My wife, a seriously successful woman in a macho man’s vocation, does not.

    That said, are there attributes of Ms Mone I’ve missed?

    But hard as I looked I couldn’t see where Ms Mone has been exploited by men to her detriment, other than the Tory party using her as a mascot. But as Ms Rowling enjoys Labour attention, so does Mone enjoy Tory attention. She is her own worst enemy.

    Though I satirise her intellectual capacity, she does have intelligence, she just doesn’t apply it for the betterment of Scottish society.

  6. Alan Gerrish says:

    Ms Mone will feel quite at home among the scions of superannuated aristocrats, uber-rich party supporters, and government placemen and place-women.”

    Nail on head truly hit.

    The fact that MM feels at home there and not here means that is where she really,really wants to be. And fair play to her if that’s the case; different folks, different strokes.

    But please Michelle, don’t give us all the crap about being Scottish and only moving because of nasty cybernats etc. You are English (or rather S/E English) because that’s where you want to live, and the people you surround yourself with there, share the values you are comfortable with.

    Unfortunately, given your track record and chosen values I fear it will only be a matter of time before you feel the need to move on as you appear to be chasing a materialistic dream in support of your fragile ego which will always end in tears. USA next?

  7. BampotsUtd.wordpress.com says:

    Reblogged this on Bampots Utd.

  8. hektorsmum says:

    I think I am correct in saying Ultimo is now in the hands of some people from Malaysia but I will still not set foot in the outlet at Tillicoultry. Never felt the need to expand the bosom though I was told at one time I would need a tattoo which said this way up in case of rape, I will say this was said by a friend before you get inundated by people saying how terrible.

    She is another so called Scot with an inferiority complex who is having their inferiority stroked by the Establishment.

    They sell their countrymen out and then flee, well Michelle I hope you like all those toffs looking down their long noses at people who actually buy their own furniture as was said of a Gentleman with much more money than you.

  9. artyHetty says:

    Excellent article.

    Awful woman, oops should I say person! I was quite a strong feminist in the 70-80s, still am, and I have no time for the likes of Mone who use their gender to their own benefit, ugh.

    Thing is folks like her are quite happy with the way things are being done in ukok, millions of children in poverty, foodbanks, all set to get a whole lot worse. Cameron is absolutely taking the piss out of Scotland, in promoting this airhead to the HoL, a fckg disgrace and couldn’t be more undemocratic if they tried.

    Oh and I reckon my allotment, and the view from it in Edinburgh, to the castle, the city skyline and the Pentlands, is far superior to mone’s decking, with badly chosen furniture and glittery bridge with added pollution. Ugh.

  10. Grouse Beater says:

    “Cameron is absolutely taking the piss out of Scotland”

    I agree, we expected nothing less when he swung the vote, but do No voters notice?

  11. Calgacus says:

    Ok Grouse Beater, I take it you don’t fancy her.
    Look on the bright side, at last she has left Scotland😆

  12. Grouse Beater says:


  13. Finnmacollie says:

    Cameron is certainly giving us the old swivel finger – and while he Increases the unelected chamber he plans to decrease the number of elected MPs. Democracy at it’s finest.

  14. donald says:

    I have had my soap box shot out from under my feet so many times GB I don’t bother contemplating my own Blog . I would have every counter intelligence agency on the Planet trolling me. Hmmmm……
    Tempting, but come spring my cabin fever scribbling will have to give way to foundation digging and then i shan’t bother to write anything at all. Here ,there or anywhere. Don’t worry , its just a passing phase and you will miss me when im gone. Maybe not now , maybe not in two weeks , but soon.
    But god its fun to play off your writing , Just cannot help myself .
    Life in the real world . Who needs novelists when you have people like ‘show me the Mone’ to satirize ? Talk about your gold plated ,leopard print stand up front girl for capitalism . Rule Britannia with a bit of secret sauce .
    Anyway I need to Burn my latest copy of Victoria’s secret otherwise my wife will know what im getting myself for her Christmas present . Just Kidding . Only mother’s boys are in to lingerie . I don’t even wear underpants man ! And you can take that to the bank.

  15. YESGUY says:

    Thank you GB.

    laughed throughout the read and am leaving knowing that most folk “out there” get MM . Desperate for any attention .

    Now how do we get kezia to leave ? Or do we keep her here cos she’s doing a great job ?

    Our own First Minister Nicola Sturgeon is a much better roll model . The wee lass has done well and theres much more to come.

    Thanks for the laugh GB. Nice way to start the week 🙂

  16. Grouse Beater says:

    I’m at the Fringe ‘Indie Agogo’ venue all week. 🙂

  17. Clydebuilt says:

    Is Jay Kay Rowling today’s Daniel Defoe?

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