Five pundits await planted questions from an invited audience, panel members chosen from various walks of life, selected to achieve a balance of views, from airhead through ‘kinda neutral’ to raging bloody-minded bigot, with the exception of the poor about whom the pundits are expected to pontificate. The poor are presumed to be inarticulate and Welfare addicted scroungers. For the same reason no one from the Royal family is invited.
The pundits are, handsome Stanley Timothy, an Oxbridge oik with two first names who writes for the Torygraph newspaper; Sir David Snarky, a quick-tempered, camp historian; Harriet Hairon, a Labour harpy chosen for her socialist sympathies more right-wing than Attila the Hun; Steady Eddie, an over-exposed stand-up comedian keen to get into politics; and an uncomfortable Hamish MacSnort, a just-practising Scottish National Party MSP erroneously referred to as ‘that Nationalist punk’ or ‘Nazi’ for short.
Chairperson is David Bumblebee, part of a broadcasting dynasty, born to broadcast, his father famous for an April 1st spoof on spaghetti growing on trees in Italy’s spring crop.
BUMBLEBEE: Welcome to Question time! (Run opening titles – audience applause) Today we are in the small, Scottish backwater of Carnwath- just joking! (Chuckles – shifts spectacles and teeth) We are, of course, in London, capital of the world. The first question comes from Joe Schmo, investment banker. Mr Schmo, yes you, the wearing the yellow shirt.
Camera cuts to Joe Schmo in audience reading from a card.
JOE SCHMO: Does the panel think we should treat Scotland as a real country?
BUMBLEBEE: ‘Think’? I assume you mean, before they speak. Let’s start with seniority – Sir David Snarky.
Camera cuts to Snarky looking unbearably smug.
SNARKY: If you live in a small, insignificant, nasty little swamp such as Scotland where most of the population cannot read or write you are not expected t0 think.
BUMBLEBEE: I see you’re not going to answer the question. Over to Harriet Hairon.
SNARKY: What? (Pompous) I am not in the habit of being contradicted.
HAIRON: Tough. Unlike Tories, the Labour party supports Scottish aspirations.
SNARKY: And just look at Labour now, a footnote in political history. One MP.
HAIRON: Ukip supporters like you are the problem. (Some of audience boo)
SNARKY: I’ll not take history lessons from you, Harriet.
BUMBLEBEE: Stanley Timothy, what’s your view?
TIMOTHY: In my book SNP Very Bad, a follow up to SNP Bad, I emphasise devolution is only for Christmas, and Cybernats invented Twitter abuse.
SNARKY: Darling, for speaking honestly I’ve had abuse from cybernats too.
MacSNORT: (Interjects) It’s okay, Mr Chairman, we are used to insults and abuse in the spirit of friendship.
Camera cuts to Snarky rolling his eyes to the ceiling.
SNARKY: So speaks our SNP Nazi! (Audience boos and applause) Oh, we are free to applaud here, but its frowned upon in the House of Commons.
Cut to Hamish MacSnort rolling his eyes to the ceiling.
MacSNORT: On his departure from politics Tony Blair was given a seven-minute standing ovation in the House of Commons, happy clappers to a Speaker. See it on YouTube
Cut to Snarky pouting and huffing.
SNARKY: I’ll not take history lectures from some Jock who can barely speak the Queen’s English! Who do you think you’re talking to, you-
Screen goes to black. Strange momentary loss of transmission. Picture is restored.
HAIRON: Tartan Tories. I mean, what in heaven’s name is a sgian-dubh? (Pronounces it ‘skiing do’) Some sort of ski party?
BUMBLEBEE: Let’s move on to the next question from… (consults notes)
STEADY EDDIE: Snarky left his sense of humour in his other rubber suit. (Audience guffaws) Harriet only thinks in the present invective. (Laughter from brighter audience members) Nice but dim, Stanley Timothy, might be an Oxbridge graduate but at least I know who my parents are. (Whoops of laughter) The token Jock bought his ‘wee white rose of Scotland’ buttonhole in London from a Cockney florist who got it grown by a Dutch nursery. (Derision from audience) The chairman’s thinks he’s being funny ignoring me. Do I need to … (signals puerile catchphrase) … ‘stand-up to be heard?’ (Bows at applause)
The panel start bickering among themselves. Cut to Bumblebee trying but failing to restore order.
BUMBLEBEE: Well, this is a hoot. (To camera) Tonight we’ve learned your opponent will never get ahead of you when he’s kicking you in the seat of the pants.
(Wild laughter and applause from audience)
And so on, and so forth, ad nauseam.
And the real part of the parody is, all the dialogue is akin to actual comments and statements made by the real people on whom the parody is based.