‘Question Time’ – A Parody

 

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David Dimbleby, prince among chairmen, former Bullingdon Club member

Five pundits await planted questions from an invited audience, panel members chosen from various walks of life, selected to achieve a balance of views, from airhead through ‘kinda neutral’ to raging bloody-minded bigot, with the exception of the poor about whom the pundits are expected to pontificate. The poor are presumed to be inarticulate and Welfare addicted scroungers. For the same reason no one from the Royal family is invited.

The pundits are, handsome Stanley Timothy, an Oxbridge oik with two first names who writes for the Torygraph newspaper; Sir David Snarky, a quick-tempered, camp historian; Harriet Hairon, a Labour harpy chosen for her socialist sympathies more right-wing than Attila the Hun; Steady Eddie, an over-exposed stand-up comedian keen to get into politics; and an uncomfortable Hamish MacSnort, a just-practising Scottish National Party MSP erroneously referred to as ‘that Nationalist punk’ or ‘Nazi’ for short.

Chairperson is David Bumblebee, part of a broadcasting dynasty, born to broadcast, his father famous for an April 1st spoof  on spaghetti growing on trees in Italy’s spring crop.

BUMBLEBEE: Welcome to Question time! (Run opening titles – audience applause) Today we are in the small, Scottish backwater of Carnwath- just joking! (Chucklesshifts spectacles and teeth) We are, of course, in London, capital of the world. The first question comes from Joe Schmo, investment banker. Mr Schmo, yes you, the wearing the  yellow shirt.

Camera cuts to Joe Schmo in audience reading from a card.

JOE SCHMO: Does the panel think we should treat Scotland as a real country?

BUMBLEBEE: ‘Think’? I assume you mean, before they speak. Let’s start with seniority – Sir David Snarky.

Camera cuts to Snarky looking unbearably smug.

SNARKY: If you live in a small, insignificant, nasty little swamp such as Scotland where most of the population cannot read or write you are not expected t0 think.

BUMBLEBEE: I see you’re not going to answer the question. Over to Harriet Hairon.

SNARKY: What? (Pompous) I am not in the habit of being contradicted.

HAIRON: Tough. Unlike Tories, the Labour party supports Scottish aspirations.

SNARKY: And just look at Labour now, a footnote in political history. One MP.

HAIRON: Ukip supporters like you are the problem. (Some of audience boo)

SNARKY: I’ll not take history lessons from you, Harriet.

BUMBLEBEE: Stanley Timothy, what’s your view?

TIMOTHY: In my book SNP Very Bad, a follow up to SNP Bad, I emphasise devolution is only for Christmas, and Cybernats invented Twitter abuse.

SNARKY: Darling, for speaking honestly I’ve had abuse from cybernats too.

MacSNORT: (Interjects) It’s okay, Mr Chairman, we are used to insults and abuse in the spirit of friendship.

Camera cuts to Snarky rolling his eyes to the ceiling.

SNARKY: So speaks our SNP Nazi! (Audience boos and applause) Oh, we are free to applaud here, but its frowned upon in the House of Commons.

Cut to Hamish MacSnort rolling his eyes to the ceiling.

MacSNORT: On his departure from politics Tony Blair was given a seven-minute standing ovation in the House of Commons, happy clappers to a Speaker. See it on YouTube

Cut to Snarky pouting and huffing.      

SNARKY: I’ll not take history lectures from some Jock who can barely speak the Queen’s English! Who do you think you’re talking to, you-

Screen goes to black. Strange momentary loss of transmission. Picture is restored.

HAIRON: Tartan Tories. I mean, what in heaven’s name is a sgian-dubh?  (Pronounces it ‘skiing do’) Some sort of ski party?

BUMBLEBEE: Let’s move on to the next question from… (consults notes)

STEADY EDDIE: Snarky left his sense of humour in his other rubber suit. (Audience guffaws) Harriet only thinks in the present invective. (Laughter from brighter audience members) Nice but dim, Stanley Timothy, might be an Oxbridge graduate but at least I know who my parents are. (Whoops of laughter) The token Jock bought his ‘wee white rose of Scotland’ buttonhole in London from a Cockney florist who got it grown by a Dutch nursery. (Derision from audience) The chairman’s thinks he’s being funny ignoring me. Do I need to … (signals puerile catchphrase) … ‘stand-up to be heard?’  (Bows at applause)

The panel start bickering among themselves. Cut to Bumblebee trying but failing to restore order.

BUMBLEBEE: Well, this is a hoot. (To camera) Tonight we’ve learned your opponent will never get ahead of you when he’s kicking you in the seat of the pants.

(Wild laughter and applause from audience)

And so on, and so forth, ad nauseam.

And the real part of the parody is, all the dialogue is akin to actual comments and statements made by the real people on whom the parody is based.

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8 Responses to ‘Question Time’ – A Parody

  1. Calgacus says:

    Sorry Grousebeater, can’t tell the difference between your parody and the real tossers.

  2. Good stuff GB.
    Dumblebum can’t live forever, but there’s always another one of his relatives waiting in the wings. It will never ever end. Similarly, we must never stop lambasting them at every chance, as is our duty.

  3. donald says:

    ‘Experts’. Is this what they call informed debate, or contrived dialogue? I think the later. Its kind of like that smug, self congratulatory comedy fest of pre packaged Mcbon mots called Qi.

    Scripted spontaneity, there’s an oxymoron.

    Dumbdownspiel sure knows how to smoke his audience with that trade mark smile and sober voice of calm reason eh? Never has the chair shteered the debate to a foregone conclusion with more cunning. You have to hand it to him. The prince of passive aggression.

    I have met his type many times over the years . Massive charm offensive, knowing smiles, casual engaging manner that soothes and reassures. Bonhomie and ‘welcome to the club you’ve made it !’

    Yeah. Dave, good old Dave. The naive Englishman’s classless champion of reason.

    Magnanimous in defeat, we British pull our slaves together and keep our stiffs upper with plenty of well crafted MSM Lip. Reason will prevail after the dust settles. Rest assured that the great British public is peer fectly capable of coming to the right conclusion (after we have licked their wounds and ridiculed the opposition).

    • donald says:

      Thanks GB for the lead ,I have just read the article . Its a good one ,reasoned and objective. Who would have thought there are still a few honest journo’s out there.
      You can actually feel that surge of grass roots enthusiasm of the neglected and marginalized majority . Finally , the people are waking up.
      Keep it real and the torch of freedom burns through the smoke and cracks the mirrors .
      When a liars plots near fruition they are no longer as easy to hide with fresh ones .

      Scottish . I have done a fair bit of plumbing over the years but those buggers dont deserve getting a new seat reamed or a fresh gasket . The public pressure will just blast those rat bags down the plug hole . Flushed . No more drip and dribble .
      Those bastards have been siphoning the people’s tank long enough.

      I wish I could be there to witness all this happening . The establishment must be wetting their pants . My very best wishes to you all.

  4. scottish says:

    Definition of expert – “has been” as in ex – “drip under high pressure” as in spurt.

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