After a number of weeks discussing in camera the contents of sandwiches and vol-au-vents delivered to their conference room, the members of the Myth Commission have arrived at unanimity. They are all agreed an OBE, if not an MBE, each, is in the offing.
In a hastily organised press conference in an Edinburgh Pound Store – a venue signifying the Celtic armpit of prosperity the Commission hopes to bolster – Lord Myth announced the preordained powers they want Scotlandshire to have that will ensure it remains exactly where it is now: vulnerable to force feeding, bogus battles, creeping campylobacter, (panto chickens) sold in poultry parlours, and the playground of Saudi princes sick of the sight of sand and oil wells. (Not to mention too many alliterations.)
The Myth Commission, working under the armchairship of Lord Myth of Keltic and his slogan – ‘Scotland: Better Tethered’ – propose the following petty powers be given mythical status on the certainty none will be endorsed by the Westminster government, but the majority of the gullible people of Scotlandshire shall assume they are so endorsed, solid, tangible and implemented, their lives duly improved, days of glorious sunshine doubled.
INCOME TAX: The Scottish Government is to be allowed to vary income tax levels so long as levels are perfectly in line with English tax levels. UK Prime Minister, David I am half-Scottish Cameron, announced as a policy of ‘equitable advantage,’ Scottish MPs could not vote on English taxes including those inadvertently and automatically increasing the levels of Scottish taxes by mandatory inter-relation.
VAT RECEIPTS: The Scottish Government will be entitled to gather in 50% of all VAT exchanged in Scotland under the black market system wherein people employing traders or buying goods offer cash in order to avoid VAT. The Scottish Government vows to employ a thousand ‘Vat Catchers’ to pounce on would-be transgressors.
ROAD SIGNS: Road traffic signs can be erected and pointed in any direction a local authority thinks fit. Hitherto, all Scottish road signs pointed at the high road to London.
SPEED LIMITS: Speed limits are to be devolved to the Scottish Parliament. Currently amphetamine abuse is restricted to small pockets of the main cities and some celebrity high fliers. Drug dealers have welcomed the new powers dubbed ‘the Begbie Bender.’
BEDROOM TAX: Holyrood can mitigate the impact of bedroom tax by allowing home owners and renters to claim they never use one, in the same way BBC licence dodgers claim they never watch BBC Television, and so avoid paying anything. Clatty Betty, owner of Seedie Greedy’s Twenty-four Hour Massage Parlour, and spokesperson of the ‘No Tax on Sad Sacks’ campaign said, ‘the relaxation does not go far enough.’
AIRPORT DUTY: Assuming Westminster approves Scotland waiving airport passenger duty, you will be free to keep your trousers on when going through security checks attempting to board a plane, but belts, shoes, jackets, anything that clangs, clinks or is digital, and teeth must be removed.
NICOLA STURGEON: When asked to comment on the alleged new powers, First Minister of Scotland, Nicola Sturgeon, said it was the equivalent of finding only an orange and nothing else in your Christmas stocking. She added jocularly that like her predecessor, Alex Salmond, she planned to lose a ton of dead weight ….. England.
Lord Myth refused to answer questions from assembled hacks. He was currently unable to divulge information as it might compromise MI5 agents in the field.
The Myth Commission – we make ’em, you swallow ’em.
NOTE FOR FOREIGN READERS AND SLOW LEARNERS.
All the powers mentioned in this spoof are genuinely those offered to Scotland by the Smith Commission, but only Road Signs and Airport Tax are new. And, by the way, this might be the only new power that gains Scotland some economic advantage, something airlines welcome, which is probably why Labour are hard against this power devolved.
The others are illusory, re-labelled, watered down powers discussed many months ago now re-parcelled, almost all useless as far as creating a happier, healthier, and more mature nation is concerned. They are the cosmetic claptrap even some cynical No voters expected from a group of dull, ne-er-do-well, low-rent politicians* comfortably united in their absolute antipathy to Scottish democracy. (See related essay, ‘Dumbing the Dumb.’)
The press conference was actually held in the Royal Scottish Museum, the perfect place to keep dinosaurs. Anyhow…
The Smith Commission’s brief includes the get out clause stating any increase in monies to Scotland should be accompanied by a similar decrease in its block grant. Westminster gives with one hand and takes away with the other. That does not constitute ‘new’ powers. It means power remains with London.
Few if any of the phony powers will pass go let alone collect £200 when presented to the Dishonorable members of London’s Gothic palace. If anything was ever to get approval the Smith Commission makes plain Scotland’s block grant – the allowance it gets in return for handing England its earnings – will be adjusted so Scotland is no better off. Hoo haar!
* In fairness, Scottish Labour politicians simply made a poor life choice.